Surviving the End of the Universe

A headline in a magazine caught my eye (although not enough to make me actually read the article; I was in quite the hurry). How to Survive the End of the Universe was the article, and it appeared in some sort of science/technology magazine. Now perhaps I am too small-minded to understand the hidden significance of this headline, but my first thought was, "Who would want to survive the collapse of all existence?"

I can just imagine the moment following the collapse. "Ah well, here I am, old chap. I must have done it after all. I guess I really showed God what's what. I really should contact that magazine and tell them what a bunch of top-notch folk their scientists are and just how useful that information was to me. I dare say that this deserves a bit of a celebration. I'm glad I saved a bottle of that 20-year-old Jamesons from when I created artificial intelligence." 

Looking around for the first time: "Confound it, who turned the lights off? Must have been old Wilkes, likely the chap didn't know I was in here. He's a terrific gentleman's gentleman but he is a bit too caught up with the whole 'conserving energy' thing. Of course, he grew up in a house that had relied on the old coal plants as we started running out of coal. Poor chap, that really affected him."

"Wilkes. Wilkes! I say, Wilkes, old chap! In the study -- just pop in and put the light on, would you?"

Several minutes progress (or hundreds of years; time is tricky without moving atoms to measure).

"Where could he be? Wilkes is usually quite on top of these things. I suppose I must take care of lights myself." 

Feigns rising and walking, "Hmm, I should be to the wall by now? Maybe I got myself turned around."

Turning, "I do declare, I cannot seem to find the wall. I better just go back to my chair and have a sit down until Wilkes comes back this way. He's probably just stepped out to get that new box of cigars I asked him to pick up for me."

"Confound it all. Now I cannot find my chair. Blast this darkness. Where is Wilkes? WILKES!! I need you right now, Wilkes!

Several more minutes, days, years, eons, (the terms are more or less meaningless now) "Wilkes?! Wilkes?" 

Whimpering, "God, where is Wilkes?"